Blame it on slow brain development in humans. Blame it on a bad childhood. Whatever their cause, terrible tattoos are an epidemic. If you or a loved one is suffering from any of these horrendous designs, seek the help of a professional tattoo removal specialist immediately.
Tattoo removal is probably going to be painful and expensive, but just think of it as your punishment for being young and impulsive. If you’re lucky, your tattoo is small and will only take a few removal sessions to eliminate, but for those of you that failed big—be prepared to spend the next year or two with your tattoo removal specialist.
- The Name of a Significant Other
If you have a lover’s name tattooed anywhere on your body, you should live in constant fear of someone rolling up a newspaper and popping you on the nose like a bad dog. They also might try to rub your nose it, so I hope you’re flexible. Fate simply won’t allow a couple with tattooed names to remain untroubled, so the tattoo artist is basically signing a death warrant for your relationship.
- Anything Tribal
This is not 1999, and you are not a surfer hunk—so stay away from tribal tattoos! They’re a dime a dozen, and at this point in our collective evolution, they’re only going to look outdated and vaguely racist. You are not a prehistoric warrior, and even if you were, prehistoric warriors were too busy trying not to die from literally everything in their environment to schedule an appointment at the tattoo parlor.
- Bicep Barbed Wire
Before you go with a ring of barbed wire, ask yourself this: are my biceps really worthy of the extra attention this tattoo will bring them? If the answer is no, then maybe you should spend your money on a gym membership instead. If the answer is yes, then you’re a liar—there is not a bicep in the world big enough to warrant such a tacky atrocity.
- Pop Culture Icons
Sure, Tony the Tiger fist fighting Count Chocula on your chest might sound like a good idea after a night of heavy drinking with your frat brothers, but when you’re in your mid-40s and your kids are embarrassed to go to the beach with you you’ll probably regret the decision. There’s no doubt that some pop culture icons have withstood the test of time, but regardless, you do not have the skills to make those kinds of predictions.
- Nautical Stars
It’s an undisputed fact that 99% of all people with nautical star tattoos could not survive a week on the open seas. You could do worse from an aesthetic standpoint, but regardless of how pretty it looks, people are still fully aware that you’re an insufferable hipster wretch.
- Chinese Symbols
It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a Chinese friend who verified that it says what you thought it said. It doesn’t matter if you spent a semester abroad in Shanghai. All that matters is that you think you’re being super special and unique by using a language that literally billions of people use every day. Plus, why does Chinese get singled out as being the best non-Roman alphabet language for a tattoo?